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Search Results 0 to 8 of about 9 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Mar 13, 2013 11:00pm PDT
let's talk about the top story tonight, the fragile economy. economic growth is stagnated. unmyment is stub bornly high and by midnight tomorrow the spending cuts, sequester, congress and the president subjected themselves to to force them to make a deal before the sequester took effect because the effects would be so drastic and dire that it's taking effect. listen, this is bad news my brothers. you can imagine what the mood on wall street is. >> hope and optimism here on wall street. >> merger mania is back. >> the highest bubble since 2005. >> merger mania is back with a vengeance. >> jon: ah-ha! whoo! what else would it be back with? humility? no (bleep) vengeance. the merger mania. who are the lucky couples. details. >> offense depot and office max are merge. >> and higher busch and groupo modelo. >> warren buffett is buying heinz. >> jon: jiffy pop and jiffy lube. the two office companies makes sense, not so clear on why buffett and heinz are getting together. i guess it's a strategic value add the acquisition for buffett tour a terrible misunderstanding between him and his se
Comedy Central
Mar 12, 2013 7:30pm PDT
'm sure it will be fine >> the sequester could devastate our economy. >> fewer f.b.i. agents kids kicked out of child care program >> fewer air traffic controllers. nearly $4 million could be slashed to provide males for needy shortages. in texas nearly 10,000 fewer children will receive vaccines for diseases like whooping cough and the flu. >> jon: holy [bleep]. we're doomed. we're going to have to get jobs feeding sick children to old people. why did i only buy the hat? (crying) please tell me there's still time to fix things. >> this is the final countdown. we are just four days from the sequester deadline. >> jon: four days. that's not enough time to do anything. can't even tow a cruiseship of diarrhea to alabama in four days. are they at least working hard on fixing this some >> lawmakers left town for a week-long recess >> president obama played golf with tiger woods in florida last weekend sniem i'm sure tiger woods has a lot of sequester advice. "i don't know, mr. president. did you ever try hitting it with a club?" i don't know. for more on the sequester we go to samantha bee in
Comedy Central
Mar 18, 2013 11:00pm PDT
the american economy 50 years ago are higher than ever. we're back, baby. [cheers and applause] and the best part is we never had to fix our systemic issues. [ laughter ] it got better. that brings us to our new segment "i guess that's one problem we never have to worry about again." [ laughter ] here is the most impressive part of the comeback it took wall street five and a half years to repair the gaping wound they self inflicted. [ laughter ] it's another reason wall street is better than main street, faster healers. who knew that amongst wall street's many charms and talents was the healing ability of wolverine. [laughter] although we already knew they had the damaging power of wolverine. [ laughter ] i sure wish we healed like that. anyhow, the point is we no longer have to worry about fixing wall street, unacceptable risk and volatility issues. the good news about history never repeating doesn't end there. you know what else we fixed? racism. bam! ba-bam! [cheers and applause] like the dow jones industrial average, black people in this country are at an all-time high. [ laughter ] we s
Search Results 0 to 8 of about 9 (some duplicates have been removed)